Seeing the problem.

I've been feeling beat, sad, and lazy these past few days. At first, I didn't try to discover why I felt this. I simply accepted these emotions as they came. I figured that perhaps things just came together simultaneously at the wrong time. I couldn't handle all my little worries and all my little problems, I thought, which probably burdened me and consequently caused me to feel this way.

A reality check was necessary as soon as I realized that time was ticking out on me and my Sales project. Diana made it clear to me yesterday that my project was not at all as simple as it seemed. And here I was, slacking, feeling lazy, and feeling too tired to focus on my work. It hit me right there and then: I needed to know what's wrong with me before time ran out. I needed to know what's causing all this negativity before it affected my performance in Sales.

The answer surfaced after a little soul-searching. It's all because of that actuarial exam. I've been worrying about it since the impending deadline occurred to me. It's the bottomline reason. It's the primary cause. It's the source of all my little problems.

It all began when I realized that the deadline for the exam was nearing. At first, I was hesitant to ask permission from my bosses, thinking that I would be questioned for such a decision (there is a rational basis for this reticence). It took me around a week before I finally found the courage to ask if they were willing to let me take the exam. The result was good. It was in the affirmative. Yayness, right? Yep, during that time I felt so good it would be impossible to match the length of my smile. A few seconds after, however, my smile vanished a little bit. A few minutes after that, it vanished a little bit more. A few days after that, I couldn't think of the actuarial exam without my forehead wrinkling and my mouth putting on a serious pout.

It was a financial thing. I realized that I couldn't afford the actuarial exam. I was half-expecting my bosses to subsidize it for me, but that did not happen. I thought it was A-OK then. It's not part of the training budget, after all. I'm supposed to take the exam when I'm in the Actuarial Department, after all. But that was then. Now, I feel like I've rushed into my decision to take the exam. 6,000 bucks is serious money. What was I thinking?

I could just let it go, of course, and focus on other things now. But the problem is, I really want to take that exam. Waiting for another year to take the exam would be too much of a lost opportunity for me. It really saddens me to even think of that possibility. Sigh... I wish something good would come in the next few days. Like Papa relenting to my sad-boy-voice and lending me money for the exam; like me finding out what statistical formulas to use in my Sales project; or like Jel bringing home some Jollibee spaghetti, Swirly Bitz, or that new Cheezy Fries they now have out in the market.

I'm sad, people. Hug me.

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In way brighter, happier, and more joyous news, I'd like to greet one of the two most favorite brothers I have in the world, Kenneth, a very, very happy 14th birthday! Weeeeeeee!!! Congratulations, too, for being in the Top 2 of your class! Imagine, he just recently transferred to Ateneo in his 3rd year, a newbie in every way, but he still managed to snatch the 2nd spot after a few quarters! Not bad, huh?

I'd also like to greet Jacques, one of my close friends, a very memorable and happy birthday! You deserve to be happy, Jacques, not only on your birthday, but on every day of your existence here in this world! I hope everything turns out good in your life. Don't give up, OK? :)