I should be ecstatic but...

...I'm not.

Sales presentation went very well yesterday. VERY, VERY WELL. I couldn't emphasize it quite strongly enough. Even though I personally felt that my project didn't quite live up to my own expectations (yeah, perfectionist), it seemed to match the sales executives', so I guess there's no "negative mismatch" there. But really, I'm glad they liked it. The sleepless Wednesday and the stressful Thursday and the crazy Friday were all worth it, I guess.

But why don't I feel ecstatic? Why don't I feel relaxed? Why don't I feel the urge to grab my LOMA books and actuarial notes to prepare for my 3 exams this November?

I hate this feeling. I haven't experienced it since November of last year, and that time definitely sucked. If ever something does come out of this, I'm sure it will be something bad, and something catastrophic. Please God, let it not be so.

Let it not be so.

Busy as a monkey.

I don't know where that expression came from, but its origin is beside the point. The point is, I'm really busy, cramming my Sales project and all. Surprisingly, there's nothing to worry about. I'm feeling the urgency, which is quite normal. I'm also feeling the pressure, which is also quite normal. What I'm not feeling are the hysterics and drama which come with the abovementioned two (remember actuarial?). This, needless to say, is not quite normal. But it's a good and welcome abnormality. Perhaps, this time around, I'm going to remain sane during crunch time.

Come to think of it, perhaps it's because of Papa. He finally-- finally!-- relented to my sad-boy-voice and promised me that he'll find some sources for the much-needed cash I need for my actuarial exam. That must have been the reason, yes. Well, here's a little message for my dear father: Pa, thank you very much. I know you wouldn't let me down, and you didn't! And for all the goodness and thoughtfulness in your heart, you deserve a very, very happy birthday today! Wee! 47 ka na Pa! Tanda!

That's it for now, guys. It's crunch time right here at Kerwinville (hwaaaatttt???), and I have no time to blog at all. But I just have. Hmmm... never mind. Byers!

Seeing the problem.

I've been feeling beat, sad, and lazy these past few days. At first, I didn't try to discover why I felt this. I simply accepted these emotions as they came. I figured that perhaps things just came together simultaneously at the wrong time. I couldn't handle all my little worries and all my little problems, I thought, which probably burdened me and consequently caused me to feel this way.

A reality check was necessary as soon as I realized that time was ticking out on me and my Sales project. Diana made it clear to me yesterday that my project was not at all as simple as it seemed. And here I was, slacking, feeling lazy, and feeling too tired to focus on my work. It hit me right there and then: I needed to know what's wrong with me before time ran out. I needed to know what's causing all this negativity before it affected my performance in Sales.

The answer surfaced after a little soul-searching. It's all because of that actuarial exam. I've been worrying about it since the impending deadline occurred to me. It's the bottomline reason. It's the primary cause. It's the source of all my little problems.

It all began when I realized that the deadline for the exam was nearing. At first, I was hesitant to ask permission from my bosses, thinking that I would be questioned for such a decision (there is a rational basis for this reticence). It took me around a week before I finally found the courage to ask if they were willing to let me take the exam. The result was good. It was in the affirmative. Yayness, right? Yep, during that time I felt so good it would be impossible to match the length of my smile. A few seconds after, however, my smile vanished a little bit. A few minutes after that, it vanished a little bit more. A few days after that, I couldn't think of the actuarial exam without my forehead wrinkling and my mouth putting on a serious pout.

It was a financial thing. I realized that I couldn't afford the actuarial exam. I was half-expecting my bosses to subsidize it for me, but that did not happen. I thought it was A-OK then. It's not part of the training budget, after all. I'm supposed to take the exam when I'm in the Actuarial Department, after all. But that was then. Now, I feel like I've rushed into my decision to take the exam. 6,000 bucks is serious money. What was I thinking?

I could just let it go, of course, and focus on other things now. But the problem is, I really want to take that exam. Waiting for another year to take the exam would be too much of a lost opportunity for me. It really saddens me to even think of that possibility. Sigh... I wish something good would come in the next few days. Like Papa relenting to my sad-boy-voice and lending me money for the exam; like me finding out what statistical formulas to use in my Sales project; or like Jel bringing home some Jollibee spaghetti, Swirly Bitz, or that new Cheezy Fries they now have out in the market.

I'm sad, people. Hug me.

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In way brighter, happier, and more joyous news, I'd like to greet one of the two most favorite brothers I have in the world, Kenneth, a very, very happy 14th birthday! Weeeeeeee!!! Congratulations, too, for being in the Top 2 of your class! Imagine, he just recently transferred to Ateneo in his 3rd year, a newbie in every way, but he still managed to snatch the 2nd spot after a few quarters! Not bad, huh?

I'd also like to greet Jacques, one of my close friends, a very memorable and happy birthday! You deserve to be happy, Jacques, not only on your birthday, but on every day of your existence here in this world! I hope everything turns out good in your life. Don't give up, OK? :)

Off.

I shouldn't be watching these types of movies again, these movies which make me feel that there's something off-- something inadequate-- about the way my life is currently going. I try to remind myself that I am perfectly content. Of course, there are still many things which I crave for, things such as a telephone line or an Internet connection, for instance, but on a deeper level, on a more profound level, I am content. There is nothing more I can ask for. But then this movie comes along and tells me-- albeit implicitly-- that there is something wrong here. Something is not right about this picture. I do not like to be reminded about this. I do not like to be told that something's amiss. It just... it just makes me feel sad.

Dammit, this is really affecting me now. I never thought it would affect me this way.

I bought a television on "almost-impulse."

Jel and I bought a TV last night on "almost-impulse." I just texted him around 6, saying: "Gusto mo bang bumili na ng TV ngayon? If yes, get money in the drawer and meet me at Powerbooks. If no, then just text me so I can go home." He got the money and went. As you can see, it's almost-impulse because we already had the plan to buy a television; that was pre-conceived. What was impulsive was the text message and the manner by which it was sent. I just happened to be near the vicinity of SM, decided to drop by to check on prices, and then the impulse to buy seized me. The rest is history.

Well, not quite. There's something a little bit more to it. It's just funny that Jel arrived at around 8, which meant that we only had an hour or so to choose the TV before SM closed. I realized (and Jel realized this, as well), that if the store closed on us and we didn't get to buy a TV, our impulse to buy it would be gone. Everything would then be planned, and would be pre-conceived. This would give us time to think. During this time, I would think of the great deal of sacrifice in spending that I would have to do, and Jel would think of other things besides, and these will make us feel guilty of buying, frankly, a not-so-cheap appliance. So it was a now-or-never moment for us. We chose now. We scrambled through flat-screens and warranties, through sweet-talking Hyundai guys and nice Canon guys, through warranty extensions and price comparisons all for a little less than an hour. We made our decision just in time, though, and we went home with our brand-new 21" Sanyo TV.

Okay. This time, the rest, whatever the rest may be, is history.

Libre sa MRT.

One of the many things I missed during those times when I changed my morning travel route to save on cash was the possibility of getting my copy of the day's Libre. Libre, as any commuter will know, is Inquirer's free tabloid-like publication, available in almost every MRT and LRT station here in Metro Manila. Unfortunately, since my travel route during those dreary, cashless times involved only one LRT ride, my chances of getting Libre-- which was slim to begin with-- grew even slimmer; in fact, I don't recall a 1-ride-day that I happened to chance upon a copy. Hay... such sad and cruel fate.

What's fascinating about Libre is that it is a brilliantly tactless publication. It can be so upfront about what it writes that sometimes even I get shocked by what I read. Consider, for instance, this health advertisement written blatantly on the first page of a day's Libre:

Question: Lalabasan pa ba ako at mananatiling malakas 'pag nagpa-vasectomy?
Answer: Oo, lalabasan ka pa kahit nagpa-vasectomy ka.

Just imagine me trying to stifle my laughter while inside the LRT. Christ, I don't think I would find that kind of thing anywhere else! And it becomes even funnier because it's written in Tagalog, a language that makes it seem funnier, even though it's really a very serious thing. Remember kiddies, vasectomy is never, never a laughing matter. Hee.

The fun does not stop there. I also enjoy Nap Gutierrez's columns immensely. It's twice the fun because he has two of them. Yes, two. In one publication. Cost-cutting, perhaps? Anyway, Nap's first column, catering to those interested in the goings-on in showbiz, is titled "Freebiz." His second column, on the other hand, catering to those interested in the goings-on in sports, is titled "sNAPshots." Don't be deceived by this differentiation. Because even though Nap writes in two different columns, the content remains the same: "Who's really gay?"

At first glance, it may appear that Libre is just like any other tabloid existing in the world today. There's the shocking ad, there's the "knowledgeable" "journalist," and there's the daily horoscope. Remember, though, that I described Libre as a "brilliantly tactless" publication, not merely a "tactless" one. This is where its brilliance comes in.

Libre is not a tabloid. It's tabloid-like, yes, but it's not a tabloid. Libre, no matter how tactless it may be, is still an affiliate of Inquirer. Its contents still have the same degree of believability and integrity that we have come to expect of anything that's written inside Inquirer. It may be written in a way that is amusing, or published in a way that makes the news more understandable to the masses, but that's just the marketing. The core of it still rings true. The core of it still tells the truth as it is.

Okay, that's enough. Inquirer should be paying me for this. Hee.