A day of reminder.

This realization occurred to me last night as I was leaving McDo from hours of Philo studying: I love studying. Yes, I love it. Not in the general sense of studying which means "going to school and becoming a student in a specific course for 4 years" but the particular sense of it which means "going to a place in Katipunan and becoming a nerd in a specific subject for 4 hours." It grants me a sense of accomplishment that only a few activities I do ever can give me. There's this high I feel of knowing that I, though studying, have contributed to my welfare as a student. Of course, that's some pretty deep shit, but what I'm really saying is that I have, through studying, made efforts to increase my QPI, and thus my chances of landing a good job in a good company. But then again (forgive me for correcting myself so often), that's just the long-term part of it. At that moment of studying, that's not even what I'm thinking. That high seems to stem from the fact that I have accomplished something, that I have become productive just for once. I guess that's the real reason behind it.

I wrote this in my now-defunct blog way back last year, during the onslaught of the first sem exams. Those were fucked-up times to be sure, but I'm glad I found something to hold on to during those turbulent times. Studying, of all things. Of course, I've always loved studying, but it meant something more for me then. It meant investing my self in something else than my indescribably pathetic emotions. It meant finding an outlet to unleash every ounce of hate I have accumulated in my system. Simply put, it meant saving my sanity. Without the distraction of studying, I would have never survived the semester.

I vividly remember that which I was fervently studying for during the semestral break: the impending first actuarial exam. Amidst all the troubles that were brewing in my life, I still had to study for the most important exam I would have to take. It was difficult, no doubt about that, but I managed. I managed very well, no thanks to the asshole who made my life miserable as hell.

You might be wondering why I'm torturing myself with such bad recollections. Well, I'm not torturing myself-- I'm merely remembering memories of times past. Besides, I feel that things are coming full circle. Everything that has happened then is sort-of manifesting itself now... without, thankfully and blessedly, the presence of the great evil.

First, I just heard the stupid Jasmine Trias "Love Ko 'To" song again in McDo. That is one song I would have never wanted to hear ever again in my entire life, not only because Jasmine Trias's voice sucks, but because everything that I associate with that song is pure evil. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms upon hearing the insipid song. Thank God Mecki and I didn't stay for very long.

Second, Jamie's staying in Manila for the break. Jamie and Tsikee have been my soul-strength during those times, greatly contributing to how long I was able to take all the pain. Tomorrow, Jamie and I are meeting up again, coincidentally just around the same time last year when I was calling her on the phone and drowning her with my tears and sorrows.

Third, the second actuarial exam is just around the corner. This is perhaps the strongest and clearest manifestation of last year's events. In just two weeks, I will be sitting in a room in Ayala once again, solving my brains out. And to prepare for that, I'm studying once again, just like last year. However, unlike last year, I won't be doing it in McDonald's or in Seattle's Best Katipunan-- I'll be doing it in Starbucks in Rockwell. Unlike last year, I won't be doing it with the benefit of a semestral break-- I'll be doing it amidst stressful insurance work and a few mandated holidays. Unlike last year, I won't be doing it with the heavy burden of guilt and the annoying distractions of the great evil-- I'll be doing it with peace of mind and the wonderful blessings of the Supreme Being.

As I've mentioned earlier, everything that has happened then is sort-of happening now... not only without the presence of the great evil, though, but also with, thankfully and blessedly, the presence of the most wonderful good-- love.